A musing in which I hope there is a nugget that can help you on your journey…
This life can be a challenge and it can be the sweetest of joys, the most exquisite of experiences. And from my learning and living through the ups and downs I see there are two things that determine it so. Our mind (thoughts, feelings, emotions) and how afraid of life we are.
I’ve been constantly afraid of life. At least that’s what I told myself. I’ve been constantly afraid of getting it wrong and losing something. And I’m sure others can relate to that. Often it isn’t until you lose everything that you realise you’ve been focused on the wrong thing. We’re so worried about losing we forget about receiving, giving, sharing, being and LIVING.
Fear of Life and Death
I know when my partner and soul mate died suddenly that in one way I was very lucky. I had never taken our time together for granted. Possibly because he constantly reminded me that he could exit (one way or another) at any point. At the time I thought he was being cruel. And even if he was, the thing is it was a gift, I learned a valuable lesson.
I remember saying a number of times, if one of us did exit that I could never have regretted being gifted with such blissful, deeply connected, perfect moments of love and pure joy. I knew, in those moments, that I had LIVED.
What we learn
What it has taken me these three years to learn since he went on his way to the next dimension, is that in losing I have become afraid to live again, because it was just so devastatingly painful.
I’ve been existing and keeping away from the world; managing to create reasons for hiding in my home and only being visible when it ‘feels right’. Giving myself reasons and excuses (you NLPers will know what I mean).
I have constantly been striving to move through this, like a moth drawn to a flame. Just as an opportunity comes for me to fly through the flame I panic and falter and get burned, retreating to the comfort of my shadows.
A big confession to make to myself. A healthy acknowledgement that changes everything.
We Create Everything from Within
We create and control so much from within and yet the outside world would have us believe otherwise.
I have been lucky enough to observe myself these years and notice when I begin to create my failure instead of success.
From The Heart
And I thought I understood. And I guess that was the problem… I thought.
It is only now that I truly grasp the meaning of ‘follow your heart’.
Your heart being that part of you that resides beneath the fear, the emotions, the thoughts, the feelings. It’s that calm certainty that has no logic, that dares you to do things you believed were impossible and unthinkable and illogical and mad, and outside the systems; outside the ‘shoulds’, the ‘musts’, the controls. It’s the part that asks you trust completely in the most fearful, darkest, challenging, life-threatening (it can appear) moments, that ‘this’ is right and you are protected and it is all for the higher good.
And I have been living partly from my heart these past few months and I have watched the magic unfurl. I have had a taste, a glimpse of what is possible. I’m aiming to live from there more consistently, the more I can practice doing so. I’m practising magic.
And if you have no clue what I’m talking about, that’s ok. One day you may re-read this with a new understanding.
I’m finding I’m rereading lots of things I’ve read before and even lots of thing I created which I felt had gaps. I’m now able to fill in the gaps.
And you know what? I think I can live again, really live again. Really live in the magic of the unknown, the surprises, the serendipity and synchronicity, the joy and excitement of knowing that as long as I live from my heart, create from my heart, in that place of no-fear, I will truly have lived, have given, have loved more deeply than I can have imagined and hopefully to have helped a few folks along the way.
Practice, practice, practice.
I have a heartfelt notion that my best work, the best I can give to others will flower from this.
And I hope that you may get an inkling, a moment of ‘heart magic’ and have a play with what you can create in your life from the heart.
And here is the secret – do you know what you can create from this heart-space? EVERYTHING